Thank you Pharyngula!

And thank you PZ Myers!

For those that don’t know, Pharyngula is one of the premier blogs for people interested in science and reason. I would highly recommend reading the blog for its scientific reason, skeptical philosophies, and political commentary. But now I would like to add one more reason to the mix. PZ Myers has just commented on California’s proposition 8.

As I would expect from anyone capable of thinking outside the narrow philosophy of repressive religions, PZ has spoken for the rights of everyone that wants to marry in the state of California. If we only had more people capable of using their God given (Ha! I couldn’t help it) minds, we might truly reach equality for all in the land of the (partially) free and the home of the brave (but bigoted).

As a final note to all my gay friends: when we can finally secure your freedoms, please don’t forget about those of us in the gender community.

Should sexual attraction cause suffering?

There are days, like today, when the weight of the world feels like it is crushing me. It seems that everywhere I turn, the anguish only increases. There is no help from religion, at least the religion that can be found on the Internet; instead, the Internet’s religion only makes it worse. It seems that religion is systematically trying to remove any safe place there is for me. It seems that my sexual identity doesn’t match the majority of the population: or does it? It is in this confusion, and the prejudice that goes along with it, that the weight seems to be unbearable.

There aren’t even any agreed upon words to describe my situation. If I say that I am a transsexual, it causes people to view things through one set of filters. If, on the other hand, I say that I am a woman, people view the same dilemma from a completely different point of view. I don’t really understand how the same dilemma can be seen from two contradicting perspectives when the only difference between them is a word.

I guess that which we call a rose, by any other name, might not smell as sweet. (Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet)

The problem is sexual attraction. I am in a committed relationship with another woman. I have been with her for more than 21 years. I do love her with all my heart and every fiber of my being. The problem comes from sometimes wanting to be with a man. These feelings present themselves periodically and leave me in the situation of feeling like there is just some places where I can’t go. But it isn’t because I can’t sleep with a man, but rather that I refuse to hurt the woman that I love. It feels like just another closet that I have to stay inside.

Does this make me heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or some other combination to which I am not aware of the name? Does it really matter? The suffering is the same regardless of the name.

It would be nice to be able to find someone I could talk to about my feelings. In the past I have looked to religion for insights and help with feelings I don’t fully understand. The problem seems now to be that there is so much noise on the Internet that I can’t find anything but the hatred put forth by people in the name of their religion.

I don’t have any answers. I just know I’m tired of hurting.